The past few months have been a roller coaster of emotion. Anxiety about starting Grad School on a whim, anxiety about if I had lost my mind or would quickly lose it with my decision to go back to school as a stay at home mom to a four year old. I have experienced success and pride over school successes and remembered that horrible feeling of inadequacy, stupidity and fear that comes with the end of the semester crunch to write 2 papers, a 12 page final exam and still make Christmas happen.
All of this is minor in comparison to the feelings I have experienced as a parent. Part of me prays that my sons sees my hard work and frequent frustration with life as me working hard to be the best person I can for him and to have the education to be able to provide more for him. The other part of me gets sad when he plays with his toy laptop and says things like, “I need to do my homework! Please go play.”
No one is perfect and I certainly don’t exclude myself from this group. I feel that I am often too hard on myself. I see certain parts of my life becoming stronger and other parts falling apart.
When I started school I quickly realized that with my new MAJOR commitment my relationship with certain other people became stressed. I blamed this on myself and felt that I was doing them a disservice. I now realize that in fact I had been doing MYSELF a disservice before. I was relied upon by too many people for too many things and new absence prevented me from doing FOR THEM.
The big problem come in trying to fix this. After years of being “available” it is hard to finally stand your ground. If it had not been for school this would still be going on. Why is it to hard or unacceptable to say, “I can’t help you right now.”